Cineplexus

Cinemaphile 101: Planet of the Apes (1968)

What do you get when you combine all acts of 2001: A Space Odyssey with Inherit the Wind and some over-the top Halloween costumes? A laughably bad movie.  When I reflect on my recent viewing of Planet of the Apes, I am struck with a shocking thought: why did anyone think it would be a good idea to remake this movie? Sequels (this film had 4, plus several TV specials) I can understand - any moneymaker can get multiple sequels.

To put it another way: I thought about making this entry similar in spirit to my post "What's wrong with Revenge of the Nerds? A pointless list." For example, in 2000 years, why is the Grand Canyon on the East Coast? What kind of throat injury leaves you mute until it's totally healed? Why don't the apes' mouths moves? But then I realized there just aren't enough hours in a day. 

 The movie's main flaw may be how seriously it takes itself. This is particularly evident in its more didactic moments. Much effort is spent building an ironic case for evolution, as the ape society Charlton Heston's character, Taylor, discovers is so devoted to its religious teachings that it ignores evidence that the Apes had Human ancestry. Powerful leaders like Dr. Zaius (why are all the elder apes blonde in this movie? Just a thought.) go as far as to try the archeologists that have discovered ancient remains for heresey. In the end, however, the film totally changes gears when it suggests that discovering our true nature is the path to Armageddon. That's what leads to the (admittedly awesome) iconic shot of the top of the Statue of Liberty laying in ruins on the beach. Taylor discovers what spoilers have long since taught us about The Planet of the Apes: it was earth all along.

I lived in a small town from the age of 8 until 18, and my friends and I often visited the local "Antique Mall," which sold a lot of odd pop culture collectibles. As a gorilla enthusiast and a movie lover, I once purchased trading cards featuring the faces and stats (?) of this film's characters (or those of the TV show spinoff, like Urko, Gorilla General).  But the real movie's bitter, inflexible Dr. Zaius is nothing like the hilarious, cute Dr. Zaius I imagined when I gazed at his likeness on my Planet of the Apes trading card! Yet another way this film has disappointed me. 

Maybe the problem isn't with the film at all. Maybe the problem is me. Why ya always gotta be insisting that a movie's philosophical message is inherently consistent, Marissa?! Geez. I guess it's my own damn, dirty human nature rearing its ugly head.

You Don't Mess With the Zohan ★★

Sometimes a film's potential rottenness is appalling enough to keep you far, far away from the movie theater. At other times however, the prospect of a truly trashy movies is fascinating, even exciting. While I've enjoyed moments of Adam Sandler's cinematic career, his latest film You Don't Mess With the Zohan, called out to my more masochistic side – cinematically speaking, of course. I confess that I was even a little excited at the thought of seeing a movie that promised to be so laughable despicable.

In this respect, The Zohan did not disappoint.

At the center of this strange little universe is Zohan, of course. To his credit, Sandler (who typically plays a version of himself in his comedies) vanishes behind Zohan's  accent and hairdo. Sandler's character is a battlegod, an Israeli anti-terrorist capable of killing even a strong man with virtually no perceived effort. But there's a twist! Our Zohan also longs to travel to America and become a world-class hairdresser. As he is used to having his way, he assumes he'll be able to secure such a position despite his complete lack of training and experience. And he's right, sorta. He gets a job cleaning up at a Palestinian-owned salon in a Middle-Eastern neighborhood. Hilarity ensues.

As with a lot of comedies, the strangest, stupidest things about this story to tend to provoke some moderate giggles. Foremost among them is the fact that Zohan and company (yes, there are sidekicks) come from an Israel that is apparently stuck in 1995, from the clothing everyone wears (neon shorts and Mariah Carey tees) to the sport of choice (hacky sack). Is israel really like this? I have no idea, and I'm not totally convinced that Sandler and fellow writers Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow (!?!) do either. But the film finds its jokes about Israel – and the Middle East in general – quickly and holds on for dear life. In addition to those listed above, these are focused squarely on the following subjects: hummus, hairyness, cheap electronics, goats, Hamas/bombs, and sex with virtually any woman, bonus if she's young and/or attractive.

So riotous is this list of joking points that the writer apparently felt little need to srite about anything else. "He'll brush his teeth with hummus!" they howled. "He'll throw hummus at the cat!" Unaware of how accurate or biting all this lampooning might be, I found myself less amused and more confused and offended as these jokes got repeated a sixth or seventh time. I wonder if I'd have felt the same way if I were actually from the Middle East. Maybe not. But I'll never know for sure. 

There are moments of Zohan that are truly funny, but these are lost in a frequently directionless pool of cat-kicking and gay jokes. And hummus. 

Jumper ★★

When you go to a movie primarily to see Mace Windu and Anakin Skywalker duke it out, chances are you're not looking for cinematic gold. But let's face it, there are good sci-fi action films, and there are mediocre ones. Jumper, despite its abundance of slick effects and former citizens of Coruscant, falls decidedly into the latter category. Now, before you have time to consider what a huge nerd that last sentence makes me, let's try and figure out just what bugged me about this odd little film.

Essentially, the concept presented to us is a very simple, very cool one. There are people, "jumpers," who have the ability to teleport to any place they've ever seen, even in pictures. The price jumpers pay for this ability is that they are forever hunted by a crew of people who will stop at nothing to catch and kill them. These people are called "paladins," and they are especially fond of the injuring-friends-and-family-members-until-you-reveal-yourself method of hunting.

This sounds to me like a setup for a rather interesting super-hero/sci-fi film. All it needs is a plot. And this is where Jumper falls flat. Rather than coming up with a real story line, the film attempts to turn a simple setup into a whole film. Occasionally a new character or the slightest of twists is introduced, but for the most part we are beaten over the head with this initial premise as these awful people chase each other around for 90 minutes. I was pretty excited that the film spent several of those minutes in Rome, as I lived there for 3 months and was able recognize all the shooting locations, but I cannot even begin to name all of the other places that we are "jumped" to during this cat-and-mouse game. The gimmick loses its immense cool potential as we begin to realize that "gimmick" is all the movie's got.

After describing my take on this film to a co-worker, he disappointedly told me that he'd thought the movie looked "kinda cool." I cannot deny it: Jumper is definitely kinda cool. Hell, it's about the power of immediate and unlimited teleportation for God's sake! So if you're a sci-fi superfan who doesn't mind shallow characters and trite dialogue, by all means, head to the theater! Otherwise, I think you'll be safe waiting for that distant night when this one jumps its way onto HDNet.

AS SEEN ON DVD! Shrek The Third ★★

I got Shrekked out long ago. I have only myself to blame; after my first screening of Shrek, I was so pleasantly surprised that I saw it again...twice. And like the second half of an egg salad sandwich, the once enjoyable experience turned kind of gross and mushy.

At this point, there is very little in the Shrek universe that doesn't strike me as hackneyed, grasping for laughs by reycling old material. Shrek 2 and Shrek 3 had tons of super special fairy-tale-on-it's-ear type jokes, and a reasonable dose of excitement and sweetness, but it's difficult to get worked up about a film whose characters stare you in the face everytime you turn on the tv, go shopping, or - God forbid - enter a McDonald's.

Sorry, kids.